God's discipline

December 2004 Jacob and mum!

Appearances can be deceiving can't they? Don't I look so happy! I probably was at that precise moment but you don't know the half of it!

I felt anxious, scared, down, cried all the time, avoided people, couldn't cope and that I was the only mum who felt like this. I felt like a bad mum and a failure as a Christian and a mum.

I am writing this today for everyone out there who looks at each other and thinks they have it all together. No one knew I had Post Natal Depression. I didn't have a huge label stuck to me warning people off. On the outside I looked "normal" but inside I was aching and oh so confused.

6 When I felt secure, I said, "I will never be shaken."
7 O LORD, when you favored me, you made my mountain [c] stand firm; but when you hid your face, I was dismayed.
8 To you, O LORD, I called; to the Lord I cried for mercy:

Psalm 30:6-8, NIV.

I was so proud! I never thought I would become ill, I never thought that I would need to admit I couldn't cope with things. I could not be shaken!!! What a humbling I received from the Lord.

I learnt first hand that there is an awful stigma attached to mental illness. I felt ashamed to admit that I was ill. People tend to look for outward, physical signs of illness and it can be hard to understand someone who is ill in this way. I remember being told to "get a grip of myself" and it will be better in the morning. Those who said this meant well but just didn't get it.

I hid my illness for months. Only my hubby knew really and then the Doctor. I hid it from friends at Church. Of course, hindsight tells you that you shouldn't have but in the midst of the suffering you just can't admit it.

I think I want to say more about this to help others. If you are feeling far from the Lord, ashamed, depressed, or anxious as a mum or as a person then don't be afraid to tell someone, anyone you can trust. Speak to God, even if you feel far from him. God still hears you even when you are angry with Him. I felt very angry toward God for "giving me this illness" but I still talked to Him. He was still faithful to me when I wasn't faithful to Him.

I believe God guided me through this period of suffering and disciplined and matured me.

I would not have wished it upon myself. God humbled me, He did not let go of me even though at times I had let go of Him, ministered to me through a wonderful older friend, and has made me rely on Him in EVERYTHING.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Hebrews 12:11 NIV

I will finish here for now but I think I may write a little more on this experience. I found that as a Christian especially there was a lack of understanding among fellow Christians about mental illness. It is hard if you haven't experienced it directly or indirectly. I read some awful literature about demons and possession and such like. This did not make me feel good at all! And this was Christian literature!

I will leave it at that but am thinking right now I want to write more on how I felt pressured as a Christian mum once I have gathered my thoughts!