I have been putting this admission off for long enough now! I am really struggling with the kids at the moment!
Jacob and Emma have become a kind of Bonnie and Clyde double act. They are now partners in crime setting out to see how angry they can make mummy! My two little darlings think it is hilarious to disobey me together and whisper instructions of disobedience to each other!
They aren't bad children as such, in fact they can be pretty good kids. I have resigned myself to this being a phase that I need to consistently discipline. However, yesterday and recently I have been allowing it all to get me a little down, disheartened and doubting my ability as a mum. I sometimes think God has wrongly placed me in my role as a mum and that I just don't cut the mustard and be the mum he wants me to be.
I feel (as all mums do!), guilty about everything! Guilty if I don't stimulate them enough with a structured day of educational activities, or fail to make their day fun, that they don't get enough exercise, fresh air or too much TV. I know it is wrong to beat ourselves up about these things but there is a little part of me that just can't help it.
In my rational head I know that these feelings are ridiculous and have no real basis. A great friend, who helped me deal with Post Natal depression, once told me that when we judge ourselves in these ways, we are doing this by the world's standards and relying upon ourselves to deal with difficulties in life. We need to look at these things from God's view.
God doesn't see us as not good enough. He loves us and loved us so much that he sent Jesus to this world to die for us and our sins! God wants to use us and sees things in us that we don't see in ourselves. I love these verses about God's power in our weakness:
" 7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians; 12 NIV.
When I struggle with life and get fed up, I am neglecting to seek God in all of this. God wants us to lean on him at all times. I alone cannot deal with the behaviour and discipline of my kids, I have a husband to help me, but I also have to give this over to the Lord as well and trust that he is there and answers prayers.